Living Fearlessly: October 2010

I. Hate. Love.
I honestly do hate it.

I've never been so heart broken in my entire life... It's... eating me away. Literally.

As you have read in my previous post, I told you I posed. As Taylor Swift, I dated a Joe Jonas (Yes, he is still quite attractive!), and he was... wow. Unlike all the other guys/girls posing on Facebook, he ddint tlk lyk dis. I dislike people who talk like that, to be honest.

This Joe has perfect grammar, though some of his phrases were a bit... off. Off, meaning he went "tis" A LOOT. And said other weirdly put phrases...

ANYWAYS, no the point!
So, at the time, Joe and his girlfriend was going through a rough patch, and I decided to help him out. I remember my first inbox to him... "Are you okay?" I remember asking him that a lot. One thing I discovered about myself, is that I HATE frowns, and depressed people more than anything in the world.

Joe and I became best friends. We were tight. I was able to open up to him about my family, and he would sit there, and listen to me complain about EVERYTHING. I've never met anyone like that in my entire life. Soon, I started having a little crush on him.

About 3 weeks after we became best friends, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He left his 2 week girlfriend, and dated me. April 6th. It was the best day ever. He was the first, and only person I stayed up 'til 6 in the morning for. He was the first person to make me feel loved, and that nothing mattered when I was talking to him.

We had a month and a half long relationship, which ended by me "changing." He clamied after we went real, everything changed. I wasn't the "fun" and "flirty" girl he first me. I was this serious person. I did, however, break his heart. I didn't intend on doing that... But I really didn't think he thought it was a real relationship. Yes, I did love him. More than anything, but a guy who was as charming as him, must've had a million girls flaunting over him. I was wrong. I said I was single, and bam. He was broken. The next day, he broke up with me for his ex girlfriend, a girl who lied to him consistently, and played with his heart too. I was so hurt. I deleted him off everything, and I ignored him.

I felt bad. Guilt washed over me, and I apologized for my childish behavior. He forgave me, and it felt like nothing changed. We were still close. Soon, a Nick came into my life. Like Joe, he was charming, and sweet, and knew exactly what to say. We dated for 2 weeks... Until I found his true identity. Actually, he had 2 identities. His name, was Mimi, a girl posing as him, and soon, it became Jeydon, other wise known as Joe.

Mimi first made that account to make me happy. I was depressed, even though Jeydon and I were best friends again. I wasn't a happy girl. I had depressing status' everywhere. She made it, because she too, was in love with Jeydon, except Hanna, Jeydon's girlfriend, and Mimi's best friend, was still together. Jeydon had already lost feelings for Hanna though, and fell for Mimi.

July. July 10th. I got sent death threats. My life changed. I avoided the internet for legit 4 days, afraid I'd get more from them. I deleted everything, and blocked them for everything. But I didn't know they were reading my Tumblr still... So there I was, thinking I was all safe, when I was being stalked by two insane kids; one from Australia, and one from Montreal.

Eventually, I started going back on. I had summer school at the time, and I focused everything on Math. But when the Stampede rolled by... Every ride, I wished Jeydon was there with me... Pathetic, I know.

You might think it's crazy, but knowing this guy for 6 months... We seemed perfect. We'd finish each others sentences, and we'd read each others minds. We seemed perfect.

So on the 24th of July, I was formspringed by someone asking if I forgave people. I replied with "It depends on who they are, and what they did to me." I knew it was him. He was... He had a tough school life, and for a 16 year old, he was extremely wise... In his own way. He apologized, and told me he didn't mean to death threat me, and call me a bitch, slut and whore. He said it because he misread my blog. He told me it was all Mimi's fault.

Stupid me, I believed it. A week later, Mimi broke up with him, breaking him into pieces. I went in, as a friend, and tried putting him together. But there's this something about him that made me feel... It's just him that makes me fall in love with him, no matter what he's done to me. Soon, he confessed he loved me again, but he was trying to move on from Mimi.

It lasted for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of not sleeping until 6 in the morning. 2 weeks of constant Facebook and MSN. I even broke up with Stanley, this boy I love with everything. Stanley understood how I felt, and he took the time to put me back together. I thought he didn't like me, because he never showed it... But he did. A lot. I broke up with him, and found out he has a bipolar disorder. Being from Canada, I couldn't get to Stanley. He is from London England. I felt horrible. I over thought too much, and ended it with someone who genuinely cared about me.

Jeydon made me feel loved every second of my life... Until he found out Mimi had a boyfriend. He died. Mimi's ex was the boy whom made them break up. She LOVES attention, and her ex gave it to her. The attention she craved for, and the attention Jeydon lacked, apparently. He cried himself to sleep that night, and I knew I lost already. It didn't hurt as much as it did in the past... But I felt stupid. I broke up with someone I cared about, for someone who used me to get over their ex.

I was furious, and hurt. I did everything to try to make him happy. But she wins everytime. The bad guy wins. Typical movie scene. However, this time, I apologized to Mimi for whatever it was that I did, and she added me on msn.

She never once apologized. We're now in September.

2 weeks of "friendship", Mimi and him broke up once again. I, however, didn't love Jeydon anymore. I moved on. AFTER 6 MONTHS, I MOVED. ON. It was amazing. I talked him through everything, and I was there for him. But in the end, he got back with her, after she hurt him, by not trusting him, and ignored me. Typical Jeydon.

I was upset. He ignored me for the person who HURT me. But not only that... I found out Mimi knew everything about my life. My whole. Life. She knew about it. It hurt. I told them to him in confidence.

I was upset, and told my friends about it, and they raped his Tumblr. Eventually, Mimi's was raped, and just 2 weeks ago, I got raped by them, calling me the "bitchest of bitches" for telling my friends I was hurt, and giving them their links, AFTER they said they wouldn't do anything bad. Mimi called me ugly. She said I would never get a boy to love me. Never having kids. Never having a future.

Mimi said the dream of me becoming a nurse was a joke. She called me horrible things, and you know what? She broke me. Again. I cried for 3 nights straight.

Worst part is, she never apologized for anything. And Jeydon still follows her around.

Love is horrible. When you have it, it's amazing. When you get broken over and over again by the same person, you lose that trust for them.

The way I got played by the same people 3 times, and the words they said to me, made me realize I WON'T have a future. I'm not the type that guys tend to fall for. I'm chubby, and not that attractive.

I just wish someone would come along,and change my mind about love, and save me from the pain that is STILL in my life because of them.

Is it too late to wish I never met them?

But God put them in my life for a reason. I learned to not trust as easily, and I found out a lot about myself.

I used to think I was cold and heartless, when really, I didn't know how to show it. Through Jeydon, I realized how much care I'm capable of. Through Mimi, I realzied bitches are bitches, and no matter how much they "change", they'll always stay the same.

I hope you learn to move on, and let go of the past. For the heart broken ones, don't give up like me. You WILL find love. Don't wait for it. (:

Good night.
-Yona.

Living Fearlessly

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

i honestly hate love.

hello again!

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